wow,  just read this after a verrrrry long time.  I seem to still be stuck in the mire of yesterday, even though I don't talk about it or try not to show it....It's like I still feel all those knives sticking out of my back by those who were supposed to have loved and cared about me.  It festers very deep in my soul and i do not know how to let it go...its a bubbling demon of anger that simmers suppressed for a while; but becomes inflamed by something that will happen to turn up the burner.  I still wish I were the kind who ONLY remembers the good stuff....who sees reality thru a rainbow looking glass softened by time....that is NOT me.  I would rather someone NOT share something they have done to hurt me than tell me the truth and apologize...or NOT apologize but assuage their own guilty feelings.  KEEP YOUR GUILT TO YOURSELF...STOP HURTING ME TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER!.. I know what I can handle, and what I can't....so I would rather have no more knives in my back and a bit of peace on the surface of my heart....for the depths are too dark, angry and painful....I pray for them to let go of my soul.  I PRAY AND PRAY AND PRAY AND PRAY!

Well,  am a little freaked out at the moment.  I am getting more intuitive as to things around me.  The really big thing was the dreaming of a doctor's name 3 years before my hubby ever was diagnosed with cancer.  Kept waking up with this name on my mind...no face, just a name on and off for 3 years prior to his diagnosis.  When we were given the name of some oncologists....wow, there in black and white on a pice of paper was THE NAME.    Well, this doctor saved my husband's life.  I am forever grateful and now more than ever look for signs and trust them.   Last nite, actually early morning at 5:30am, I awoke and got out of bed starting down the hallway.  Right in front of me was a round neon green translucent light with a darker round center.  It was located about a foot above the floor and at the entrance to another bedroom.  I stood and stared at it...then realized I needed to get my glasses for  better look.  I went back into the bedroom and got my glasses, when it was no longer there.  Figuring it may be a reflection from an electronic digital readout like on a cable box, digital clock...I went looking throughout the house for an explanation....No digital readouts were green, and none of them were anywhere that they could have cast a reflection down the hall.  Let me also make it clear that I have blackout curtains on all bedroom windows so it could not have come from the outside.  I was not in a dreamy, semi conscious state.  I was well awake.  This is the first time I have ever had an encounter like this.  I have gotten glimpses out of the corner of my eye of things, heard noises, etc.   Nothing like this....WOW

Depression.......I am drowning in it.  I now can more understand why my mother took her own life.  This totally sucks and when you try to figure out why or what triggered it............There is no answer.  You try to put on a good face to people and no one knows...yet you are mired in this pit of dark black negativity.  I cry for no reason.  It's like all I can see are the bad memories and the good ones get wiped out.  I dream still of all the bad things from years and years ago that I should be over by now.  Scared of my own self and feel so totally alone...but always have I guess.  Or is that the depression talking?  I don't know anymore.  I am not in a healthy or good place right now.

Just for the record....all posts past, present, and future on here are the property of myself...Donna Sharon Duff, aka  Shari Duff.   Please, if you reproduce any of this material, keep in mind it is the property of myself and subject to copyright laws.  Any and all reproductions of this material must have my permission and/or my name as the author of such.  9/13/13

I'm not a debater, I don't think quick enough on my feet.  I am not an arguer, nor do I like confrontation as I prefer a peaceful environment.  I don't know all the answers to life's problems, nor would I want to.  Too much weight to bear.  I only know how "I" feel about issues and everyday life.  I do not feel the need to explain my beliefs to anyone, as they are only mine and I do not expect anyone else to believe the way I do.  I do not have to join you in your political or religious doctrines.  They are yours, not mine. I do not feel I have to explain my position on any subject to anyone but myself. I tend to be introspective, and probably to some, boring.  I am honest and I expect the same in return.  I require little in material things, but I do have my weaknesses.  I like to live simply, practice kindness, and share when I am able.  I love to listen and learn from others.  Interesting people and interesting lives add to my own knowledge base.  I am not particularly funny, but I enjoy crazy people.  I tend to be too serious; but, that doesn't mean I want to be serious all the time.  I pick those close to me carefully.  I am uncomfortable in crowded surroundings and group social situations.  I much prefer one on one conversations.  I am fiercely loyal to those I love.  I love to learn and absorb the world around me...yet stand apart from it.  I feel deeply, I cry freely, and I worry constantly about those I love.  I do not pretend to be smart, or clever, or even well spoken.  But I would like to be remembered as being a nice person.  I know my impact on the world is minimal; but to those I love it is hopefully meaningful.  I can leave no real legacy other than the fact that while I was here, I tried to be the best that I was capable of being.

Sing me a song
Make it easy and slow
I wanna hear the melody ... don't care where it goes

Sing me a song
Make it touch my soul
I wanna feel the vibrations... all the way to my toes

Sing me a song
That will stick in my heart
I wanna cry real tears...when I think of your face

Sing me a song
Only I will understand
I wanna know you were there...at the same time and the place

Sing me a song
That I will hear when you're gone
I wanna remember your touch soft and strong...cause time is too short and my love is too long

Every day before I go out the door I say a simple little prayer:

Lord, Guide my feet
Direct my eyes
Choose my route
Show me signs
Never let me fail to act