I feel like I am being drug along on a roller coaster.  Being a caretaker of a loved one who is sick is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  I don't mean to take away from what my beautiful hubby is having to suffer through; but when you can't feel what they are feeling, or think how they are thinking, it is hard to fully understand how to be supportive and know when to back off or step up.  He is not very "body aware" so it is hard to get him to explain symptoms or even pain.  I have been the go between on the phone numerous times to the doctor's office because he doesn't want to complain or doesn't know how to explain what he is feeling.  We don't know if this is normal for his treatment, or whether to worry that it is something else.  I am having a hard time dealing with bouts of depression.  I get hopeful on days he seems to do well, and plunge into the depths on other days.  I thought when treatment was finished it would be a steady (albeit slow) uphill process with each day (week) getting back to more normal.  If I could only take on some of his symptoms and relieve his discomfort once in awhile it would help.  I feel like "I" need a keeper and that makes me feel guilty, which triggers the depressions.  I know no one ever promised life would be a bed of roses, but right now all I am feeling are the thorns.  I have to keep in my mind that everything is for a reason, and that reason is for the soul's best interest.  It is hard to look objectively when day to day seems so oppressive.  I must keep the light and the positive going.  It is the only way to have the outcome be positive.  I have come to realize I am not as strong as I always thought I was.  I am having to lean on a higher power   for my strength.  Maybe that is my lesson.  I am NOT in charge.........yet in some ways I AM in control because I have to choose to NOT react.....but act in a forward direction.  It seems everything I thought I understood and believed is in a state of utter confusion.  It all makes sense until you are in the midst of a crisis that seems to be spinning out of control.  I had to put thoughts down just to cope with the day.